You Know You're a Mom When...

...You find a Dora Backpack and Wolverine claw hand residing in your bathroom.

You know you are a weary Mom of three when you push them aside with your foot and proceed to the toilet without bothering to pick them up.

Yeah. What She Said.

I love this. One of my friends (thank you Misty!) used this as her Christmas Card this year. You may have seen it before (if you have, DEAL WITH IT!) but I thought it was worth plagiarizing sharing.
Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, 'Yes, Mommy' to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting 'Don't eat in the living room' and 'Take your hands off your brother,' because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,

MOM...

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

Happy Mother's Day!

What's that you say?

That was last week?

Let's just say thank goodness for electronic greeting cards so that at least my stepmother got a Mother's Day card on the proper day. My Dad hand delivered her paper card when I met him for breakfast Tuesday morning.

So in keeping with my tardiness, here's my Mother's Day post. It's just a little bit late. Didn't your mother teach you that saying "Better late than never"?

Mine wishes she never taught me that saying.

Random Rambling

I'm hot. And not in the Cindy Crawford, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, Playboy Bunny sort of way.

To quote the Wicked Witch of the West, "I'M MEEEEELLLLLLLTING! I'M MEEEEEELLLLLLTIIIIIIINNGGGG!

The good news is I'm obviously compensating for the 30 pounds of lost sweat with plenty of food and drink because I've not lost one single ounce in the past two weeks. This is some sort of twisted Murphy's Law of diets.

"When one purchases an expensive dress in a slightly smaller size for an upcoming event, one can be certain they will either maintain or gain weight."

Murphy needs to kiss my ass. I'm tired of him sitting on my roof all the time.

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As I mentioned, it's hot. Unseasonably hot. We've reached the high 80's for the past 4 days. This is unusual for April in Pittsburgh, but certainly not unheard of. But Pittsburghers, even ones like me that have lived here all their life, have a limitless capacity for complaining about the heat, the cold, the snow, the sun, the rain, the clouds, the wind, and every other normal climate change that occurs with frequency and regularity in this region.

We also seem to have a need to comment on and discuss said weather ad nauseum.

Obviously.

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One of my favorite stupid weather comments (I promise after I write this I'm done telling you about weather - assuming I haven't bored you into a coma by then) occurred in 2001. We had a Spring very similar to this one (which of course every Pittsburgher has forgotten about since we also have a limitless capacity for weather amnesia and marvel at the weird weather every year). The reason I remember this particular Spring is because I was pregnant with my first child and pregnancy has a tendency to make me......shall we say, "temperamental" when the mercury rises?

I had just lumbered up the stairs to my office, dragging all 500 pounds of bloated baby belly with me, looking as if I had just left the shower when in fact it was just the sweat that had sprung from my pores the very second I left the serenity of my air-conditioned car. I was greeted by a cheerfully chipper, dry and smiling co-worker, weighing in at approximately 98 pounds, commenting on the heat wave.

Then she said to me with a completely straight face, "You're lucky you won't have to be pregnant through the summer when it's hot."

HELLO? It's hot now, and I AM STILL PREGNANT.

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Sabrina makes her First Holy Communion this Sunday. We purchased the requisite sparkly white dress, but on the night we tried on 500 different dresses I was too tired to go through yet another 2 hours of choosing an appropriate veil with Her Royal Pickiness. So I, ahem, "suggested" we come back another time to choose one.

Except I waited until yesterday and the stores have cleared away all their First Holy Communion Merchandise, no doubt so they can get a jump on putting out all the Winter Coats.

When I "suggested" we go with a simple white head band or a sparkly barrette, Sabrina calmly and politely informed me that this would ruin her life forever and cause her to be the laughingstock of the class, and spend several expensive years in therapy. Or something along those lines. It was hard to understand through the weeping and melting to the floor.

Did you know that for more than the cost of the actual veil you can have one overnighted right to your door?

Now you know. I'm nothing if not helpful.

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As soon as it cools off, I'll wring the sweat out of my brain and resume writing about something that is hopefully interesting and entertaining. Otherwise,

HOT ENOUGH FOR YA?

I Promise I'm Not Seeing That Skanky Blog Down The Street

My poor little Blog. I've neglected you. Really it's not you, it's me.

Yeah, yeah, we've all heard THAT line before.

But I swear I'm ready to kiss and make up.

If you'll have me back.

In The Name Of The Father, And The Son, And The Holy Spirit, Amen

Was I the only one annoyed by the incessant standing ovations at President Obama's address to Congress?

I mean seriously. These people were up and down more often than a bunch of Catholics at Mass. Any minute I was expecting Nancy Pelosi to kneel down and worship.

That or pull out her pom poms.

Don't mind me. I get crabby when they pre-empt The Mentalist.

Bueller?........Bueller?............

I swear I'm still here. Just a little brain dead and burnt out from the holidays I suppose.

But I know there's nothing like writing to get me writing again, so I will just be plunging in and getting back to it soon, I promise.

Jim (AKA Heinous) at Irregularly Periodic Ruminations (Holy shit Jim - could you have picked a bigger pain in the ass title to type for your blog? I say that with the utmost respect of course) has kindly sent me a list of interview questions that I will be answering shortly.

This allows me something to write about without having to actually come up with the idea myself.

Couldn't have come at a better time considering the hamster in my brain seems to have quit his job. Stay tuned.

Speaking Of Genetics

Have you ever had a sinus headache where you seriously consider taking one of those melon baller thingies and shoving it up your nose so you could scrape out some of your brains?

Yeah it's like that.

For two weeks.

I couldn't possibly inherit the fast-metabolism-eat-anything-you-want-pretty-much-until-you're-40 gene from my Dad. Instead I was blessed with his sinuses.

I'll be back when my brains shrink back to their normal size.

Mea Culpa

I'm lame. I know. I leave you with a barely original entry consisting of one word descriptions for things most of you probably couldn't give two hoots about (and why exactly would anyone WANT a hoot anyway?).

And now I am off to be a guest blogger over at "Discover Boo". So come visit me over there! Boo's one of my best friends and if you haven't already, you should read her blog too!

One Word Challenge

Saw this on a friend's blog (Hi Dani!) and thought it was fun and I'd give it a go since I seem to be a bit dry on the blogging juices today. It's a slight variation on that tired old email someone sends to me at least once a month where you fill in the answers and forward to all your other friends that are also tired of getting THAT email.

Doesn't stop me from forwarding it on though does it?

Your hair? dirty

Your mother? complicated

Your father? safe

Your favorite thing (not including people)? sleep (this seems to be a common theme amongst the Mamas)

Your dream last night? funny

Your dream/goal? longevity

Your favorite drink? coffee

The room you're in? kitchen

Your ex? disappeared

Your hobby? books

Your fear? loss

Where do you want to be in 6 years? elsewhere

Where were you last night? here

What you're not? skinny

Muffins? blueberry

One of your wish list items? house

Time? short

Where you grew up? Bethel

The last thing you did? Wii

Favorite weather? crisp

What are you wearing? frumpy

Favorite book? Avalon

Your TV? average

Your pet? new

Your computer? Dell

Your mood? relieved

Missing someone? Melissa

Your car? Odyssey

Something you're not wearing? socks

Favorite store? Target

Love someone? many

Favorite color/shade? yellow

Last thing you ate? grahams

Your life? full

Your friends? loyal

What are you thinking right now? KITTEN!

What are you doing at this moment? BITTEN!

Your summer? excellent

Your relationship status? married

What do you do when you can't sleep? read

When is the last time you laughed? today

Last time you cried? Saturday