Maybe We Could Put a Condom On It

I was getting a shower yesterday while Meredith played in her crib and Sabrina, who is sick, snuggled up in my bed watching television.

In the middle of the shower I heard Meredith's noises change from the normal, "I'm bored and I can't see you so I'm going to holler," noises to that urgent noise that any Mom can recognize means fear and pain.

So I jumped out of the shower stark naked with conditioner in my hair and soap all over me (I'll pause while you try and scrub that image off your mind) and ran in to find Meredith had somehow contorted her body so that one leg was stuck through the slats in the crib facing one way and her upper body was turned towards the door the opposite way. She's pretty flexible so it wasn't a permanent injury, just needed a little help getting unstuck.

But I noticed that Sabrina had brought a sippy cup up to my bed with her. You know. The leakproof kind. Hahahaha! Chortle chortle chortle. Snort.

I wouldn't have been half as annoyed had it leaked on Dave's side of the bed, but as Murphy would have it, it was on mine.

Gives a whole new unsexy meaning to "sleeping on the wet spot."

Happens To Us All

"The last time I had hiccups they came out of my bum."

Do They Come In a King Size?

When I became pregnant with my son Jamie shortly after my first daughter Sabrina turned two, the next logical step seemed to be her transfer to a "big girl bed". Like any first time parent with only one child to obsess over, I considered the impact on her little psyche of the impending arrival and was very careful to time the transition well before his birth so as to avoid any feelings of being replaced or ousted from her crib by the new baby.

We read books about big girl beds. We had long discussions about big girl beds. We established rules. We practically called a summit on big girl beds.

The actual change was fairly anti-climactic.

It didn't actually occur to her at first that the big girl bed was any different from her crib and I would still find myself frequently roused from sleep by the piercing howl of a 2 year old shrieking "BOOGIE SAUCE!" Which is Sabrina speak for "My nose is running my humble body servant. Kindly fetch me a Kleenex and wipe it for me."

To her credit I usually responded. In the psychology world this is called behavior reinforcement.

But again, I point out that at the time she was my one and only child as the boy that was yet to be was still fairly easy to take care of in utero. So acting as willing slave to this tiny tyrant seemed okay at the time. Besides, I wasn't planning on sleeping anytime in this millennia anyway.

And then along came Jamie. A bundle of energy, strong-willed, strong-limbed little boy. He could climb before he could walk. The crib was and is the only thing that can ever contain him. We're not sure exactly why. He could easily climb out of it as he demonstrates daily when he climbs in it. But I don't question this gift. I'm just grateful for it every night as I put him to bed. So grateful that when I became pregnant with my third child shortly after he turned two I didn't even consider moving him to a big boy bed. We just hauled the other crib over from my Mom's for the new baby since the thought of Jamie having free range all night every night while I sleep is enough to keep me awake in sheer terror.

But the new baby is my not so new 10 month old daughter Meredith and Jamie is quickly approaching his 4th birthday and it becomes harder and harder to justify keeping him in a crib. After all, any longer and his High School classmates just might make fun of him.

There's Plenty More Where That Came From

If you know me, you know I've recently been suffering from a long string of self-inflicted klutz injuries.

First I walked into a door and gave myself a shiner. You know how when women are being abused they always say they walked into a door and nobody ever believes them because Seriously??? Who really walks into a door? Well, that would be me. So I'm trying to think up a good cover for walking into the door cause I can't admit I walked into a door, people will think he's smacking me around.

Then the next day I tripped on my own pants leg and went flying across the room, giving myself a serious case of rug rash and temporarily dislocating my big toe.

Then I pulled a muscle in my neck IN MY SLEEP! I knew I was talented, but I think hurting oneself in one's sleep deserves a special klutz award.

I was sure I was done being stupid, but alas, I have plenty more stupid in me.

Yesterday evening after having just changed a diaper and needing to scrape the contents of said diaper into a little container that was currently downstairs (yeah you read that right - if you're REALLY lucky I might explain WHY I am collecting diaper droppings), I proceeded down the steps carrying Meredith and poopy diaper in question. In separate hands of course as Meredith is prone to sticking things in her mouth regardless of fragrance.

So this left no hands to hold the handrail. I'm sure you see where I'm going with this by now.

In an amazing act of maternal protection I managed to contort my falling body, not unlike a cat falling from a second story window, to land, if not on my feet, at least on a well-cushioned area of my anatomy. In doing so I managed to twist my ankle and injure the above mentioned posterior. And of course the diaper went flying and landed business side down, draped over the baby gate at the bottom of the steps.

Luckily Meredith just thought it was a new and exciting way to go downstairs and was completely unfazed by the whole performance.

Merry Christmas everyone! I have to go disinfect my baby gate.....

I Think I'll Just Stay Dirty

To ensure "peace" while showering I settled Jamie in front of the TV in my room featuring the Disney Channel. No backtalk from the Mom Police about rotting my children's brains. I'll take what I can get to get a few moments to get clean. Besides, it's not like I let him watch the Playboy Channel. He knows he's only allowed to watch that when his baby sister isn't around.

Meredith was popped in the Exersaucer.

Sabrina requested "rock 'n roll music" in her room so she can dance.

Jamie: Mama I don't liiiiiiiiiike Johnny and the Sprites!

Sabrina: This song was already on!

Meredith: Waaaaaaaaaaah!

Jamie: Sabrina's in my crib!

Sabrina: He's climbing up on the changing table!

Meredith: Waaaaaaaaaaah!

Sabrina: Can I wear a dress?

Jamie: Waaaaah! She hit my head with the closet door!

Meredith: Waaaaaaaaaaah!

Sabrina: He's on the changing table agaaaaaaaain!

Shower door flung open to admit icy cold air - Sabrina presents herself in full ballet regalia.

Sabrina: He pulled the baby tub out of the closet and he's sitting in it and I hit my arm on the doooooooooor.

Jamie: (flings shower door open again) Can I put underwear on?

Meredith: Waaaaaaaaaaaah!

All to the lilting combined strains of Johnny and the Sprites and the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack. Motherhood is bliss. That or a lifelong test of my sanity.

How to Make a Baby Really Mad

Step 1: Give baby dose of Amoxicillin. Baby does not even like Tylenol which is basically sugar syrup, so bright pink liquid poo thinly flavored with bubble gum is bound to go over like a lead balloon. Administer entire syringe while minimizing spitting, gagging and vomiting. Then administer one more milliliter as pharmacy cannot find syringe that holds all 6 prescribed milliliters at one time. Repeat twice daily.

Step 2: Attempt to hook up nebuliser which involves tubing and several separate plastic parts. Also must squirt tiny vial of liquid medicine into cup before attaching cup to said plastic parts. Do all of this while holding baby who wants to chew on plastic parts. Alternately set baby down and let her scream while you assemble. Hold baby on your lap while machine blows medicated mist into baby’s face.

For 8 minutes.

Eight……very…..loooooooong……..minutes.

Bonus points: Clean all plastic parts and tubing immediately afterward while balancing unhappy baby on hip.

Step 3: Baby must lie down on couch. Hold baby’s eye open and place two drops of medicated eyedrops in eye all while baby turns head side to side in frantic attempt to avoid drops. Repeat on other side. Try to grow extra arms.

Do all of the above before 8 am.

Repeat several times throughout the day.