I Can Channel Martha AND The Three Stooges Simultaneously

We love waffles around here. And for Mommy's benefit, they're relatively low-fat and you can add some yummy fruit to them.

I love waffles, mostly when someone else makes them!

But I am positively allergic to mornings and I do NOT cook before noon, so if my kids want something hot, it's frozen waffles popped in the toaster. If I'm feeling REALLY earth-motherly and have had a cup of coffee, I'll boil some water for instant oatmeal (but that's pushing it).

So I think I want a waffle iron. I want to start making my own waffles and stop supporting Eggo frozen waffles. I'd rather just make a batch of my own to freeze. This way I could make them ahead of time and have my OWN frozen waffles. Hell I could even make them all healthy and stuff and add flaxseed and wheat germ and other things that I'm sure would taste disgusting not covered in syrupy goodness.

Did I just say that??? Has Martha Stewart taken over my brain? I told that woman to knock it off. Every time she tries I end up buying expensive gadgets and/or craft supplies that gather dust or get eaten by the dog. Sparkly dog poop decorating the yard just isn't the festive touch Martha had in mind.

Anyway, Martha Stewart Exorcism notwithstanding I still persist in looking at them. However as usual when I research ANY product, I start looking on Amazon, see all the negative (and positive) reviews on all of them and get paralyzed by indecision.

My Dad has a nice one and he makes very good waffles (before you get impressed with the idea of my Dad as Gourmet Chef, I must disclose that waffles is pretty much the extent of his culinary repertoire. Oh, and he can heat up a mean bowl of soup in the microwave.), but it's a round waffle iron.

I don't have one of them there fancy-schmancy toaster ovens, just a standard top loader toaster. I think I need a square waffle iron despite Martha's probable disapproval. Round peg, square hole and all that.

I was looking at this one, but it's EXPENSIVE. However, if it makes good waffles and 6 at a time it might be worth it. As usual, some people love it, some people hate it.

So, what do you love about yours? Hate about yours? Would you buy it again? Oh and of course what kind is it?

Because I still just can't decide on a waffle iron. I'm........................
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wait for it............
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WAFFLING

about it.

Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!

I'm such a comedian.

I Want A New Drug

My husband is a recovering addict/alcoholic. This post is not about that - that's his story to tell. This post is about my addictions and how they relate.

I often joke about my food addiction, but truly it's no joke. The only thing in my life that comes close to being as addictive a substance to me is my books. And let's face it, an over-indulgence in books just makes you, well.....smarter. Even if it lightens your pocketbook, you can overcome that by buying used books or joining a book trade forum.

But food. Food has been my drug most of my life. Even before conscious memory. Baby crying? Give her a cookie. Problem solved.

I've tried to explain my food addiction to my husband in terms he can relate to based upon his experiences with addiction. But in many ways I believe my addiction is far more difficult to overcome. Not to belittle his achievements, or anyone else who has battled drugs or alcohol, but the first, simplest and most basic rule, and the first thing they tell you in Alcoholics Anonymous or Drug Rehab is "Just don't drink/do drugs."

Easy? No of course not. Simple? Yes.

But "Just don't eat," is not only impractical, it's a bit incompatible with life. If we want to continue enjoying this Earth, humans must consume sustenance. Daily. Three times or more per day.

If you told a crack addict that they had to consume crack at 8:00 a.m., 12:00 p.m., and 5:00 p.m. daily, and they were only permitted one hit of the substance, don't expect to see them or their money (or yours for that matter) ever again. It's impossible.

Is food equal to crack cocaine? Well it sure as hell doesn't make me as skinny as crack would, but it's every bit as alluring and dangerous to me. The detrimental effects of it may take a bit longer to kill me, but kill me they will. Everyone knows being overweight contributes to heart disease, circulatory problems, strokes, diabetes, the list goes on and on.

And besides the health issues, being overweight is one of the last remaining socially accepted prejudices. If someone's fat it's okay to call them on it. Make them the butt of jokes. Speculate on how much weight they've gained. And don't think I don't already know that half the people on Facebook are "friending" people just to see how fat they got since high school.

So it's literally been the fight of, and for, my life.

Today I have lost 10% percent of my body weight. This is a fantastic achievement for me, yet I still have a way to go. But my eyes were opened today to a similarity between myself and addicts/alcoholics everywhere. And I am amazed it has taken me this long to realize it.

I have to battle this every day, indeed every minute, of my life. I have to maintain my "sobriety." By losing weight and achieving a "goal", I have not been "cured." I will never, EVER be cured. And due to the nature of my drug, and the inability to avoid it entirely, I must accept that there will be relapses.

I have taken the first step. I admitted I am powerless over food and that my life had become unmanageable. I came to believe that a Higher Power (and the Almighty Weight Watchers) can restore me to sanity.

Someday I will rock a pair of expensive jeans. And I will run circles around my Grandchildren.

Even if it is in a wheelchair.

If Only ALL The Diaper Contents Came Wrapped In Plastic

Continuing the trend of a preference for junk food as opposed to actual FOOD, Meredith chose not to eat her lunch today.

Her lunch today was one of those Kid Cuisine meals. Heck they barely even qualify as real food. It's about as close as you can get to McDonald's in the comfort of your own home. If you have children already, you know that you may as well just go ahead and surrender to the ubiquitous chicken nugget. If you have no children, continue on swearing you will NEVER feed your child that crap. I promise to never say "I told you so" later.

Today, not even the chicken nuggets were acceptable. Instead she went straight for the low drawer where her Daddy keeps his stash of Hostess cupcakes. Why he insists on keeping them there I cannot explain. Unless he secretly wants to recruit a new addict.

I flatly refused to open it for her. Chicken nuggets may not be health food, but they definitely provide at least marginally more nutrition than a cupcake. This caused much weeping and wailing and screeching words at me, some of which were intelligible. I'd provide the translation but I think she used a lot of vulgar language, and I try to keep it clean here folks.

At 1:00 p.m. when neither of us had given up butting heads and proved that we were each equally as stubborn-willed, I ended the game by demonstrating that sometimes might does make right. I won the battle by simply scooping her up bodily and announcing it was time for a nap.

I noticed it was also time for a diaper change. Her diaper had reached that squishy consistency and was drooping somewhere around the vicinity of her knees.

However I didn't remember it ever being quite so......crackly.

Perhaps she was stashing the plastic wrapped cupcake in her pants to sustain herself during the long hard nap ahead.

Babel Fish

I was making Meredith a grilled cheese sandwich today. As I grilled I popped a mini Reese's Cup in my mouth (Ahem. The diet starts again on MONDAY.) and was totally busted.

She howled "CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDY! Um Um TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

I'm pretty sure that translates to "I saw that, you evil serving wench! Now hand over the candy. And if you think I'm eating that sandwich you've lost your mind."

Just a loose translation mind you.

Live And Active Cultures

My children like to play hide and seek. They hide their sippy cups. They hide them under the couch and the table. They put them in the dollhouse. They toss them in the toy box. I've even found them between the screen door and the storm door.

But when the sippy cup has milk in it they go all out. They like to hide them in the most remote places to ensure ample curdling time.

One time someone hid one under the toy box up against the baseboard heater.

Heat really encourages those live cultures! Except these weren't the cultures Yoplait had in mind. The result is a foul smelling cross between cheese and toxic waste.

Sometimes it's best to not even open those sippy cups and just write that one off.

Besides, my HazMat suit is still at the cleaners after that Tupperware in the back of the fridge incident.

Good Thing - Because I Won't Fit In A Lunch Box

Heretofore Meredith has consistently snubbed any food that involves vegetable matter. Unless it is loosely grain based she will not eat it.

Who am I kidding? The kid eats Goldfish and Cheerios.

Oh and she's mildly interested in nursing still. And by mildly I mean 10-12 times a day (and night).

But THIS! THIS is an ACTUAL PIECE OF FRUIT! A strawberry to be precise. And it's not even those little freeze-dried abnormally square pieces of strawberry that we can sometimes convince her are crackers

Since she has been introduced to foods in general she has given fruit the regard one would give to something that contains a particularly nasty sort of poison. Or possibly something one might scrape off the bottom of one's shoe.

And she still won't let me actually see her take a bite of the fruit.

But the tooth doesn't lie.

Humble Pie

I must admit when I am wrong. I don't often do this. In fact I have been known to hang on to the concept that I am ALWAYS right regardless of the amount of evidence to the contrary, to the point 0f adamant insistence that Dammit! The sky IS green!

But with as much dignity as I can muster, I will say that the principles and recipes in The Sneaky Chef and to a slightly lesser degree Deceptively Delicious are nothing short of genius.

We have prepared Guerrilla Grilled Cheese, Pita Pizzas, Breakfast Ice Cream, Bonus Burgers, Hot Cocoa with Sweet Potatoes (weird? yes but the kids liked it.), Pumpkin Oatmeal, and the pièce de résistance, Brainy Brownies.

With the exception of Breakfast Ice Cream, everything has been gobbled up in its entirety by my picky children and my much less picky husband. But in the interest of self-preservation he'll eat anything without comment if he wants to see me cook another meal for him ever again. He's been trained well.

The rejection of the Breakfast Ice Cream however, was almost more than I could bear. I had mentioned to Sabrina one evening that I might make it the next morning. But we both forgot. As soon as she remembered she proceeded to pester and pester, and just in case I wasn't annoyed enough, pester some more. So even though I didn't want to, I agreed to concoct the "Especially Sneaky Chocolate Breakfast Ice Cream" consisting of yogurt, frozen bananas, avocado, unsweetened cocoa, and a dash of sugar.

When she asked me what was in it, I broke the cardinal rule of sneaky chefs and told her. I'm only slightly stupid though and made sure to tell her the secret ingredient was bananas as opposed to avocado which would have meant immediate barfing noises. But for whatever reason in her 6 year old universe, bananas were the most violently hated fruit on the planet that day. So after making something I didn't want to make in the first place, only to have it vehemently shunned, I was just a touch bitter, and considered giving up this whole responsible motherhood thing and indulge in a temper tantrum of my own.

But I restrained myself. Mostly.

The Brainy Brownies, on the other hand were loved and adored by all (and maybe I adored them just a touch more often than I should have). And I've learned my lesson. When they ask what's in them? Chocolate. What else? Chocolate. There must be something else in them! Nope just chocolate.

Dave has likened me to a cackling witch mixing up my cauldron of brew. He says I'm enjoying this trickery maybe just a little too much.

Anyone want to share a slice of Humble Pie with me? Just don't be surprised if it has spinach or cauliflower in it.

Bribery Pure & Simple - And I'm OK With That

I previously discussed my skepticism and problems with Deceptively Delicious in this post.

While I still have not tried an actual recipe from the book, I had an "A-HA!" moment today while preparing lunch. Much the same as the epiphany Mrs. Seinfeld describes which prompted the writing of her book. If only I had had my moment sooner. She's married to Jerry Seinfeld. What the hell does she need more money for?

I decided to be gastronomically adventurous today (never a good thing according to Meredith) and make oatmeal for her lunch. She's never actually tried real oatmeal yet and I may have been overly ambitious trying a new base food and utilizing sneaky health food subterfuge. I tossed some of the sweet potato baby food I had on hand in with her oatmeal, added a touch of cinnamon and - GASP! SUGAR! (c'mon didn't you pay attention to Mary Poppins? Don't make me sing the song - it'll stick like a burr in your grey matter until you surgically remove it) and Voila'!

But while I was inventing haute baby cuisine I was also preparing the ubiquitous instant macaroni & cheese that resembles nuclear orange rubber eraser tubes for Jamie. Hmmmmmm, sweet potatoes are orange.

Meredith took to the oatmeal about the same as she takes to any new food. She sniffed it in a way that would impress any professional wine taster. Then she allowed me to touch her lips with it, where she daintily sampled the bouquet and flavor. Then and only then did she allow a spoon in her mouth. Because really. You can't be too careful. But so as not to get carried away, she refused anything further after the 3rd spoonful. We don't want to encourage Mom to get crazy or anything.

As I'm doing this I'm casually pretending to ignore Jamie and his macaroni & cheese. The first two bites seem to be fine.

Then the spoon goes down in quiet defiance.

"Mama this macaroni doesn't taste good. It doesn't taste like macaroni."

So we go through a big show of tasting it for him, declaring it perfectly normal, even pointing out "Look! It's the same package we always use!"

But he sits, bottom lip pooched out, arms crossed, in a magnificent three-year-old sulk.

Jamie, if you want to play with your Power Rangers sword you have to eat your macaroni.

Victory is mine.

Deceptively Delicious Spawns Suspicious Sibling

I recently purchased the books Deceptively Delicious and The Sneaky Chef. I had resisted buying these books mostly because there was a lot of hoopla about them and I'm perverse that way. If it's popular I don't want it.

But after watching my children exist on the snacks that occurred between meals and consistently refusing any meal that didn't involve pizza, mac & cheese or hot dogs, I was desperate.

The premise behind these two books is similar. You surreptitiously include healthy fruits and vegetables like sweet potatoes and beets that would normally induce gagging and retching at the table by pureeing them (which induces me to gag and retch) and mixing them into the recipe.

To be fair, I haven't actually tried any of the recipes yet. But after reading them I remain skeptical. Besides after enduring a childhood where I was forced to eat lima beans it just feels like it should be my God-given right as a parent to inflict the same upon my children.

What I forgot though was to hide the cookbooks.

Yes, hide the cookbooks. One normally expects to hide the Playboy magazines or the racy novels, but the cookbooks?

I forgot the 6 year old can read now. And just today she informed me, "Mama I saw those recipes and they tell you to put SPINACH in them!"

Oh the horror.

But even worse, before I've even actually attempted to pull the wool over their eyes and slip cauliflower, spinach, or butternut squash into their pancakes, she has begun to question every single thing I have cooked.

"Is there spinach in that? What about that? Is there any in there? I don't like spinach you know."

No honey, I assure you there is no spinach in the frozen pizza or the macaroni & cheese from a box. Didn't even put any in the hot dogs.

Carnivore

Jamie what would you like for lunch today?

"I'd like a ham sandwich. With just ham and ham and meat on it."

How about bread? Can we put bread on it?

"No thanks."