Thursday, July 17, 2008

Just Think What I Can Do To Myself When They Start Selling Home Laser Kits

Every so often I get adventurous in the area of hair removal. What's that saying? "Those who do not remember history are condemned to repeat it." Is there a special quote for those who remember, but are so stupid they do it again?

Like most girls my introduction to hair removal was your standard disposable razor. Back then if you were a teenaged girl it was a requirement to own a Flicker razor (inspired by......birth control dispensers?). Its cute pink design went perfectly with the Tickle Deodorant.***

Nair was another popular option for hair removal. I'm pretty sure that Nair is simply tear gas in cream form. Apply the foul smelling glop to your legs, don't breathe for ten minutes, ignore the tears streaming from your eyes, and you'll be hair free in no time. I used Nair for the first time an hour before a Very Big Swimming Party. There were boys involved and bottles of the spinning variety.

My legs were smooth but the harsh chemicals in the Nair reacted with my skin in such a way that I looked like I had developed a nasty case of smallpox. Being a teenager, this ensured that I did not attend the party, therefore staying very far away from several boys I wanted to get to know better.

Or my Dad tampered with the Nair. It's a toss-up.

My second adventure into the realm of exotic depilation was a wax kit. It was a self contained unit that heated the wax in its own roll-on applicator making application simple and mess-free!

In my wisdom, I decided to try it out on my underarms. Both of them. At the same time.

My armpits emerged looking like red raw meat.

To add insult to injury, they looked like hairy red raw meat. Apparently that particular wax kit was only effective at removing skin.

A few days ago I bought a product called "Veet". It's a variation on Nair, also being a depilatory cream. It comes with a bladeless razor-like scraper that is supposed to aid in the removal of the hair.

The directions read, "After three minutes check a small section. If hair is not easily removed, leave on a few more minutes. DO NOT LEAVE ON LONGER THAN SIX MINUTES."

Is this six minutes from initial application? Because it took me at least six minutes to apply it to one leg. Are we meant to do one leg at a time? It's all so confusing.

So I'm frantically trying to bladelessly razor off all this cream that is now beginning to burn, kicking myself for the fact that there is just so much sheer ACREAGE on my thighs.

And wondering when the hell will I learn.

When do we get to quit worrying about this crap? Or will I be 70 years old someday trying to figure out how the hell to get my legs covered in wax unstuck from my walker?

***My apologies to those who missed the exciting experience of the 80's (or who quite possibly weren't even born yet) and have no idea what these products are. They, along with Bonne Bell lip gloss, Sea Breeze, Love's Baby Soft and copious amounts of hairspray were a requirement for participating in the 1980's.


Jenni V. Baxter said...

You are soo right. I tried the veet myself. By the time you get done putting it on both legs, it has to be longer than 6 minutes!!! I think I'll let you try the home laser kit first!

Love ya and miss ya

Norkio said...

Remember that Nads stuff? Someone I know had it and left the lid ants all over her bathroom! Apparently there is something ants love in Nads. Gross!

Dani (Zac and Cassidy's Mom) said...

Oh I can so relate, the one thing that's really a pain this pregnancy is shaving my legs, in the winter, no one saw my legs so I didn't give a hoot.

Oh gosh Martha, I remember Nads -- wasn't it edible too?

Bonnie Bell chapstick, ohhh they came in so many different flavors!! Flash from the Past!

The Burkes said...

Good to know I won't be trying Veet ever I had the same reaction to Nair with the rash and burning.

BrensMama said...

I should have known better than to read your blog while drinking soda... yes it does burn when soda shoots out of your nose ;)