Friday, April 3, 2009

Biggie Size That Wine Please

I may have mentioned that I don't like needles. I would be a very very bad heroin addict. I have no tattoos, not because I don't approve or dislike them, but because they involve needles. Hell I passed out getting my ears pierced. All two and a half times. Including the one I did myself. Which is why it's two and HALF times pierced. It's hard to pierce the other side when you're semi-conscious.

And it's not even a pain thing. I'm pretty tough. I gave birth three times, only one of which had a successful epidural (But I sure as heck didn't want to see that needle they put in my spine). Something in my brain cannot tolerate the thought of an object penetrating or slicing skin. Once you're through the skin I'm cool. I can watch operations on television. Blood doesn't faze me. In college Biology I cut a deal with my lab partners. When it came time to do a Nephrectomy or Hepatectomy on our lab rats, I handled all the surgical details. As long as someone else made the incision.

When I was a child, my Pediatrician (Dr. Milton G. Tall, may he rest in peace) called me "Tiger Mary." Only half affectionately. The other half was genuine fear for his life and limbs. When he would walk in the examining room, he would immediately put his hands up in the classic "I surrender" gesture and say "No shot today." Of course this backfired when he walked in and didn't say it and I commenced to shriek and hide under the table necessitating a nurse to come in and assist my mother in pinning me down to the table.

I have passed on the gene.

Yesterday was Jamie's yearly check-up. I won't give my kids too much information ahead of time. No sense having them anticipate longer than necessary. But when asked the direct question, "Am I getting a shot?" I will not lie. I didn't appreciate being lied to as a child and won't do it to mine.

So he knew it was coming. And he held it together pretty well for most of the appointment, even loosening up enough to tell the Pediatrician about his recent pirate themed birthday party. But as soon as the good doctor left and sent the nurse back in, all bets were off. And as if one crying, shrieking child wasn't enough, Meredith decided to get hysterical in sympathy.

When the nurse instructed me to hold him on my lap with his legs tucked and locked between mine, and a bear hug around his arms holding his left arm as still as possible, I had sudden flashbacks to being on the receiving end of this situation. The nurse offered to get someone to hold Meredith, but I knew that in her current state, a perfect stranger picking her up would only increase the decibels coming from her mouth, so I made the decision to let her cry while I attended to the child with the more immediate needs.

Of course everyone survived, with a bright blue Band-Aid, small dents to my sanity and one minor bruise to my shin.

Happy Meals will wash away a multitude of perceived wrongs. And an Iced Mocha for Mom doesn't hurt either.

If only we could get McDonald's to serve alcohol, the world would be complete.

9 comments:

Eileen, Founder, Organizer, Mayor and Chief Cook And Bottle Washer of the Anger Management Girls. said...

I am so the same!
When I had my children, the worse part?
Putting the IV needle in my arm. I swear.
I offered to sign any paper not holding them responsible, but they wouldn't go for it.

I get myself so upset, my veins collapse and they have to dig. Which then gets me upset, never ending circle.

Jackie said...

One night on the way home from a wedding (where I had consumed about 2 bottles of wine...straight from the bottle - talk about class!)Ted decided to take our van full of friends to a burger joint for a midnight snack. Apparently when they asked what I wanted to order, I asked if they had wine...since they didn't, I was happy to settle for a strawberry shake. I'm so glad I don't remember asking, because that could be pretty embarassing ;)

Dani said...

Same here, I still get light headed when I have to have blood-drawn, but the last three years have helped in that department considering all the bloodwork I've have. I have walked out when they don't get it right the first time, because after that I'll just be a lump on the floor.

I will say that a tatoo needle looks absolutely NOTHING like a hypodermic needle. It's actually a little black vibrating box . . . I never even saw the tip it was so small.

And yes, Happy Meals -- although all Cassidy needs to hear is Chicken nuggets, fixes many things and is a great incentive for others.

Cosmic said...

Come here....you can order beer in McDondald's :)

Hot Belly Mama said...

I started cracking up almost immediately! I can't believe you tried to pierce your own ears! You crazy woman!

My husband also hates needles and funnily enough is tattoo-free and has never shot up drugs. I think maybe a fear of needles just might be a good thing for kids after all. ;)

michelle lynn said...

Poor Josh had to be a pin cushion before his deployment, getting vaccines for unheard of things from A to Z and EVERY single time he passed out, COLD, hit the floor. He usually returned home with a band-aide on his arm AND head. He finally will now tell them he needs to lay down, and that way I don't worry about him getting a concussion. And Mickey D's should totally serve wine! In the box of course!

Mary K Brennan said...

All for the parent TIKI Bar at McDonalds. Betcha sales would go through the roof.

Boo said...

I'm ok about needles now. But I used to faint about 5 minutes after I had them as a teen. Not good for Mum walking me across a main street of Melbourne.

Now, it's just the dentist needles. When I was 5 I had to have a filling and a kicked and screamed and swore my Mum would not let him hurt me. But she did!!

I'm glad Happy Meals help!

Norkio said...

I don't remember getting shots in the arm, just in the butt. Sounds so terrible to have to restrain you child so. I hope Melody will be a little more cooperative.

And I also think you should be able to have beer and wine in McD's. I think in Mammoth California they have it, but that is a ski town, so all normal standards are waived, lol.