Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Who Is This "Perry" Guy Anyway?

I've tried to find him in the White Pages. He's not listed in any Directory Assistance.

So why does this Perry Menopause dude keep bothering me?

Up until recently I had never even heard of perimenopause. Everyone's heard of the "Change of Life." "The CHANGE." "Men-o-pause." But this "perimenopause" seems like the cruel joke before you get to the punch line. Nobody told me the fun started approximately 10 years before actual cessation of menstruation.

At 39 I thought I had a long way to go before I worried about this stuff. But it turns out that menopause is a process. A loooooooong process. And all the fun side effects of menopause that people typically think of, such as hot flashes, night sweats, loss of, um, lubrication - all start during perimenopause.

One of the first symptoms I experienced was yet another symptom I'd never heard of. Apparently in preparation for menopause, your ovaries will start firing off like an AK-47. I can almost hear the little chants of "LEFT. LEFT. LEFT-RIGHT-LEFT," coming from my nether regions. I can only imagine this is like a general housecleaning before they close up shop for good.

What this translates to is that I get a period roughly every 20 days now instead of the traditional 28. Which also translates to two periods a month.

Do we not put up with enough shit what with the whole boobs feeling like they will spontaneously explode while they "bud"? What about the cramps and the headaches once a month that make you feel like someone stuck their fist in your uterus and twisted? And that's just puberty.

Then you move on to childbirth and, well, let's just say every time my husband told me his vasectomy actually did hurt, I informed him that after he produces a watermelon size object either from his butt or his vasectomy incision, then we'll chat about "hurt". At least I can honestly say the pain of pregnancy and childbirth is worth it because it actually produces a baby.

But all this other female crap? What does it produce other than mess and sweaty sheets that have nothing to do with an orgasm?

Boys on the other hand! When they reach puberty just have to put up with a little voice cracking and hair in new places. Which actually makes them MORE interesting to the opposite sex. We in turn have to SHAVE OFF all that new hair we get. And we all know that their contribution to childbirth involves 15 minutes of actual FUN (well, if we're being honest, it's probably closer to 5 minutes around here).

So much for equality of the sexes.

Another side effect of perimenopause is obviously a desire to bitch and moan about it.


Mount Belly Mama said...

I've been watching my mom go through this the last 10 years or so, so I can emphathize a little bit. I used to wonder what the purpose of this phase was for women but then I remember that eons ago, most people died in their forties. Evolution hasn't quite caught on yet that we live longer and could have babies much later if it allowed us to.

Colleen said...

HAHAHA...I still remember my mom going through it (relatively early too) "Is it hot in here, or is it just me" was a favorite saying in our house...of course we all had to mock and ridicule...We Murrays are nothing if not sarcastic and witty.

Jackie said...

Womanhood is definitley a hellish experience, but it does have it's bright points. Too bad we have to wade through the tampons and sweaty sheets to see them.

My mom is going through this right now (she's 46). She's been having hot flashes and horrible night-sweats - I keep teasing her that I'm going to find her naked, nesteled in with the frozen peas and carrots in the grocery store when we're shopping, lol! I know I shouldn't laugh, because one day it'll get me too. Sorry you're having to deal with it now!

Mary K Brennan said...

Holy Crap! I'm only four years behind you. I swear I already had a hot flash once. It's too early. You're right, men have no worries.

Eileen, Founder, Organizer, Mayor and Chief Cook And Bottle Washer of the Anger Management Girls. said...

THAT is exactly how Anger Management Thursday's got started!
We drink enough to get us through the other 6 days.