Sunday, June 29, 2008

The Toughest Job I'll Ever Love

Tomorrow I will celebrate seven years on the job.

Seven years ago on June 30th at approximately 4:43 am, my life was forever altered and I earned my new title of "Mom".

Even now, recalling that day brings a whirl of emotions and feelings, albeit muted and gentled by time. That rush of joy and overwhelming love? Not so much, unless you count being ecstatic that I no longer had to listen to the incessant chanting of pushpushpushpushpushpushPUSH!" in my ear. Okay lady! I get it! Not that I have much choice in the matter if I want to dislodge this bowling ball.

No, I remember different emotions from that first day. The exhaustion is self-explanatory. As for the pain, that mostly involved stitches in a place that nobody wants to contemplate a needle approaching, EVER. The confusion was to be expected considering I had been awake and performing incredible acts of athleticism for over 24 hours.

The fear is something most Moms are afraid to admit to. They're afraid to admit that at some point in those first few days and weeks the thought "What if I've made a mistake?" may cross their mind. Because it's decidedly un-Mom-like to admit to anything other than joy and overwhelming love.

Don't misunderstand me, I felt those things too. Just a little farther down on the list. Considering I had just made the biggest change my life would ever experience, I think that's pretty normal.

A very wise woman that I credit with helping me to survive early motherhood (although my sanity may have suffered a few dents and bruises) once told me "The best thing about your first week with a newborn is that neither one of you will remember it." At the time I didn't believe that could possibly be true. Turns out she was right. While I do remember that week, it's more of a memory of perception and sensation. The details however escape me. And that's probably a blessing. And why the human race didn't die out shortly after the arrival of the first offspring.

Sabrina and I will always have a special bond because she taught me how to be a Mom. She taught me it's okay to be afraid. It's okay to not know quite how to work this thing called Motherhood. It's all okay. Because the only way you can figure it out is on the job training. And she trained me well.

She trained me so well that I was able to feel immediate joy and overwhelming love for my newborn babies of the future. Even if I was still just a little afraid.

I'm still learning and they're still teaching.


Lisa and Liam said...

Beautiful post, MB!! So true.

Kady Mae Bella said...

I teared up.

You're so right! It's ok to be afraid and to learn a little bit more each day.

The pain is still fresh in my mind...those stitches were pretty rough...but not rough enough to do it again :)

Wonderful post. Thank you for sharing.

katherineolivia said...

Im glad to read Im not the only one who was teary eyed at this post!

Beautifully said!