Monday, November 17, 2008

Tears From A Stone

As a kid I remember my Mom crying. No, she wasn't sad and unhappy all the time. But she would cry when I was in a school play, she would cry when I graduated from eighth grade and then again from High School. She would cry watching movies, or commercials, or reading a book.

And it embarrassed me terribly. It just seemed so......mushy and weak. Don't get me wrong, I cried too. I cried when my boyfriend moved to Georgia when I was 15. I cried when another boy I thought loved me dated two other girls. I cried when my Grandfather died. I cried when I held my Grandma's hand and helped her to follow him 15 years later. I cried when I knew I would divorce my first husband. I cried when I almost lost my current husband to his demons.

But cry when you're happy? Or because of some movie? That's just not me.

I used to say I'm just not a crier. I can recognize the emotion of a movie or a play or a situation, and agree that yes, it's sad, or exciting, or poignant in some way. But crying just wasn't something that came naturally to me.

Until now.

Tonight alone I teared up watching a family tour their new home on Extreme Makeover. Then I quietly let tears run down my face while watching The Notebook. And then I got all snuffly and choked up over a Macy's Christmas commercial when the little girl puts her letter to Santa Claus in the big red mailbox.

I was never like this until I had children. Yes the pregnancy hormones definitely induced some extra crying, and we all know that post-partum sleepless nights are pretty much a recipe for huge gasping sobs complete with snot all over your face at some point.

But with each child, being quick to tears got a little easier. And lasted longer. And now I don't think it will go away.

I have a theory that children break you a little. When you're young you develop your "self" and that self becomes a shiny nacreous hard shell. It's pretty and it keeps you strong and whole.

And then the babies come and they put cracks in that shell. They soften you both physically and emotionally. And you find a new self. One that cries more. Because now you feel more. Because now a little bit of your heart lives in your children and walks outside your body.

I look forward to embarrassing my children with my tears.

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. ~ John Vance Cheney


Colleen said...

As a "crier", I can tell you that it is somewhat cathartic to release those emotions sometimes...
There are certain movies that I KNOW will bring me to tears (The Notebook is one of them) but I can't not watch them...
I will say that even though I was a crier before kids it's gotten much worse since becoming a mom. I guess even my semi-hard shell was cracked!

minyetta2 said...

Nail on the head!

Dani said...

Oh I've always been a crier, even before I had kids. Hallmark commercials always got me! LOL

Tears do come easier in some situations that remind me of a special moment with the kids . . . like this morning I got all teary-eyed at a Build-a-Bear commercial because we took Cassidy for her first one this past weekend and she loved it.

Zac thinks it's hysterical when I cry, he's always looking at me if he thinks there's something on TV to bring out the "SAP" in me.

2jne said...

Wow... I am a first time mom and have been really embarrased lately that I cry at the drop of a hat. My baby is almost seven months. I love that you put it this way!!

(I got to your blog off of Joshua's blog)